teenager

How do moms get their teens to detach from friends who are a bad influence? “Our 14-year-old has this friend who seems to create trouble everywhere she goes,” says Amy. “Her friend encourages her to be rude to [me] and my husband and simply seems to be bad news.” Jackie T. shares a similar plight: My daughter hangs out with a group of friends that we don’t necessarily approve of. But we truly believe we are here to guide her and not rule her. So how do I keep her from swaying off her path?”

Welcome to the struggle of moms who question the crowds their teens are hanging out with. Like Amy and Jackie, many have discovered that their teens don't want mom interfering, and feel their parents have no right to pick their friends. This means that the effort to end unhealthy friendships has to be something of a covert operation. Here, Circle of Moms members share some stealth tactics for trying to get through to your teen on this sensitive subject, and for heading off the "bad apples."

1. Avoid “I Just Don’t Like Her”

Instead of pronouncing that you don’t like one of your teen’s friends, a better way to try to deliver the message is by giving examples of behavior that concerns you. Give specific reasons, says Circle of Moms member Kristin S. “Last year when my son was 14 he had a friend who was always in trouble,” she says. “He even started a fire in a trash can at the park when my son was with him. I sat my kid down and simply said, if you keep hanging around this boy his reputation will become yours and everyone will think you're that brain dead. It will affect how coaches treat you and even [which] girls like you. Shortly thereafter he dumped the kid as a friend. “

Badmouthing the friend will backfire, adds a member named Cherilyn. “Do not criticize the other child at home. This will just make your child have to choose loyalties." The trick, she advises, is to give your kid an easier way out of the friendship. She suggests telling your own kids, "I know this child is making some choices that could get you in trouble later, and I know you don't want that sort of mess. Please feel free to use me as an excuse if you need to get out of a tricky situation."

Kim C. also points out the importance of keeping the focus on the friend’s behavior and avoiding labeling. “I have talked to my son from a very young age about being grouped in with the friends that you hang around,” she says. “I often ask him what his friends will turn out like if they keep up with this or that.”

2. Set Limits

You don’t want your child to think you are picking on his friend, but that instead you are setting limits on the kind of behavior you want him to engage in with his friends, say Theresa and other moms. Try to de-personalize the situation, she adds. “You can't pick her friends but you can hold her accountable. Tell your son that if the ‘friends’ got in trouble and he wasn't involved that he would still suffer the punishment, without question.”

Angie L. agrees that setting limits can help diffuse the situation. “Only allow the child to hang out with this friend in a controlled environment (such as only at your home or in a group setting),” she says. “Then you know what your child is doing and you know he/she isn’t getting into trouble. “

Inviting the friends home is another way to set limits, says Antonia F. Even if he is hanging out with ‘the bad apple,” if they are under your roof, you have a greater clue as to what is going on, she says. “Invite them over and be their best friend and never let on to your child that you dislike the friendship. Become a role model for the 'wayward' child and your child will soon get bored of him.”

3. Talk It Through

Making sure your child understands that he has freedom of choice when it comes to making friends, as long as he stays within the acceptable zone that you discuss with him, is a reasonable way to handle this issue, says Jenny F. “We talk through tricky situations at the end of the day and think out loud together about ways to make them better,” she says. “It’s tricky finding a balance because I don't want to limit her time with her friends (even if they aren't always the best influences.) Keeping an open dialogue and respecting that different families and their friends operate in different ways is my best strategy.”

4. Take a Hard Line

Despite your best efforts, many Circle of Moms including Lynn M. know firsthand that kids will do what they want and if you forbid your child from something or someone it can create a magnet effect, driving the child closer to the friend you don’t want him to hang out with. “Sadly there is not much you can do except not allow her in your home,” says Lynn M. “I have found that if you forbid them to hang out they will do it behind your back. Do you trust your child enough to make the right choice even if it takes them a little while to see this friend's true colors? Talk to your kid, tell them you are not fond of this new friend and give them reasons why, and then trust that your child will make the right choice.”

But there are some Circle of Moms members who say that forbidding the friendship is the only way to nip it in the bud. Connie L. explains: “Bad friends are the worst influences for your child. In my son's situation, we just don't let him go out for very long with his bad friend. We tell him why he can't hang with him for long periods of time. I take my kids out to places they like to go quite often but if he wants to bring his ‘bad friend’ I say ‘Nah, choose another friend.’ If he wants to do fun things, have more privileges and trust, he needs to do it with the friends I trust more. Teens love to be trusted and I just tell him honestly, ‘I don't trust that friend so I don't want you to be put in an uncomfortable situation with him to where I wouldn't trust you either."

Mary S. believes that parents of teens should be able to pick their friends. She says: “Why can't you pick her friends? You are her mother. I have more than once sent a kid packing when I did not like their behavior or attitude. One girl that is a daughter of a woman I was once close to is a horrible example. This girl is 17 and sneaks out windows at night and takes her mother’s car while she is sleeping. I made it clear to my daughter that she is to avoid this girl while she is sowing her wild oats. And that if I ever caught her with her she will lose her world (car, cell phone, outings)."

What do you do when your child’s friends are bad news?

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Kids go through many phases as they grow up, but one of the most perplexing for many parents is when a previously clean kid starts avoiding the shower. It doesn't seem to matter that your child is otherwise vain; all of a sudden he doesn't want to bathe, wash his hair, or brush his teeth. And what's even more alarming is that not every kid goes through this phase.

So what are the causes of hygiene-neglect? Is it normal? And what can you do to help your tween or teen move through it as quickly as possible? Here, Circle of Moms members share their experiences.

1. Depression

After wondering why her daughter was skipping showers to the point that she smelled bad, Iris A. figured out that her daughter was mildly depressed. Neglecting self-care is a common symptom of depression. If someone is too sad, or too beleaguered by low self-esteem or by thoughts of emotional or social problems, self-care is one of the first things to go.

What to Do About It

Your child needn't have full-blown depression in order to exhibit these behaviors; she might simply be distracted with life at school and among her friends. One Circle of Moms parent who didn't feel the need to address the problem head-on simply took her daughter swimming a lot. It didn't address the root concern, but it effectively got her clean! Another, Jen T., bought her daughter body wash as an indirect way of communicating that she needed it, and also takes her daughter's laundry out of her room so that she wears clothes only once.

If you have any inkling that your child might be depressed, take him to see a counselor, psychologist, or other mental health care provider right away. A professional might be able to see something you can't.

2. Laziness

Michele W. was shocked when her son hit puberty and stopped changing his socks and underwear. He still applied deodorant, but only in lieu of showering. He seemed to be too tired to bother with basic hygiene.

Should You Force the Issue? 

Michele and several other Circle of Moms members say this is natural and not worth fighting since it's a phase that passes when the hormonal surges die down. They point out that there are good reasons teenagers are so lethargic and lazy; they are growing and changing rapidly, both physically and emotionally.

Karen A. agrees that showering is not worth a fight, but draws a line at teeth brushing: her kids must, absolutely, brush their teeth, as not doing so has long-term health consequences.

3. Asserting Control

The push-pull that underlies many aspects of parenting tends to come to a head during the teen years. Power struggles are magnified — and what better way for a teen to exercise some power than to control the one thing that's undeniably his own and no one else's? The body is precisely that thing, and that's why, as Melanie B. explains, only some kids go through this phase. If you don't think your teen is depressed or overly hormonal, then chalk it up to a willful temperament that may one day serve them well.

"Kids Don't Smell Themselves"

Jen T. thinks the reason for many teens' neglect of personal hygiene is often very simple: Kids don't smell themselves! Whatever the root cause of your teen's neglect of hygiene, try to understand the context in which it's happening, so that you can choose an appropriate response — which may well be to do nothing and wait for the phase to pass.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Moodiness. Willfulness. Anger. Attitude. Do these adjectives describe anyone you know? If you have a teenager in your house, bets are that these words are all familiar. But although you know the challenges of raising a teen are par for the course, you still get frustrated. So, take a deep breath, kick up your feet, and read the best advice from Circle of Moms members on how to help your teens become fabulous adults.

1. Be Aware of Your Teen's Developmental Stages

Remember when they were tiny and their tantrums filled the house without warning, over seemingly nothing? Well, those days are back, at least hormonally speaking. Ann H. reminds us that teenagers' brains are not yet fully developed, that teens often "shut down" when they are stressed. This is why she does her best to remain in a calm state, regardless of what her teen is doing at the other end. It takes two to have a screaming match, and you don't have to participate in those.

2. Give Your Teen the Benefit of the Doubt

Melinda M. says that there are always opportunities to talk to your child more as an equal, or friend, than someone you want to control. Even when your teenager obviously needs guidance, try to avoid judgment and offer an open channel of safe communication. Your teen is much more likely to talk honestly with you if he trusts he's not being judged. Annette A. even writes letters to her teenaged kids and finds that this is often a better form of communication that a conversation. Letters allow each person to express him or herself without getting wrapped up in the emotions of the moment.

3. Remember What It's Like to Be a Teenager

Your kid's challenges probably look much like your own did, way back when. Amy C. actively tries to imagine herself in her teen daughter's shoes, and says this helps her access the empathy she always wants to offer. It also reminds her that teenagers tend to live in their own world. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is hard to bridge the gap. Empathy helps.

4. Share Both Successes and Failures

Dawne P.'s biggest revelation about raising her son was that she hadn't trusted that he would learn from her example. Sharing both your successes and your failures, your bad moments and your good, is one of the best ways to help your kids learn from you. Trying to hide your mistakes, or the fact that you're not a perfect person, just creates unrealistic expectations.

5. Give Him Space

Tanika W. has found that simply walking away from a heated conversation and giving her son space, both physical and emotional, has helped them both re-focus. We all know how difficult this is to do, especially when we're entrenched in an important conversation or are unwilling to waver. But a break from conflict will often reset the conversation's tone. When we take (and give) one another this space, we're better able to successfully resolve disagreements.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

To many people, writing letters of thanks is a dying courtesy, but not to Circle of Moms members like Amber D. and Mary R.. As Amber points out, friends and relatives would enjoy giving kids presents even more if they “at least said thank you.”

Not only should kids should write thank you notes, she says, but when they avoid the task, it is a parent's job "to reinforce their manners.”

Why do some moms feel so strongly about this issue? Here are three important benefits they say kids receive from writing thank you notes.

1. It Helps Children Learn to Feel Gratitude

Numerous Circle of Moms members say that encouraging their children to send written notes helps them teach and reinforce the importance of feeling gratitude. Says Missy S., ”I want my kids to be grateful for what they have and not complain. . . .This is one way to teach them to be more grateful and appreciate what they have.”

(Several Circle of Moms members mention another technique they've found for teaching their children to give thanks and appreciate their blessings: “My kids donate some of the toys they get for Christmas as a way to say thank you,” says Carla A., which "teaches them about sacrificial giving.”)

2. It Strengthens a Child's Bonds with Family 

Mary R. says that sending written thank you notes keeps her children connected to their extended family. She had been in the habit of writing thank you notes long before becoming a mom and discovered that it came back to her in spades when her first child was born. All those friends and relatives she'd showed her appreciation to over the years sent "gifts and savings bonds" to welcome her new baby.

But Mary also points out that the impuse to say "thank you" in a formal way goes beyond mere politeness. When her grandparents passed away, she "knew without a doubt" from all her years of sending them thank you notes that they were aware "how much I loved them and appreciated them." She wants her own kids to have the same kind of tight bonds with extended and far-flung family members.

3. Good Manners Help Kids Succeed in Life

Many Circle of Moms members feel it is important for their kids to send thank you notes simply because people love getting them. The practice of writing these notes helps kids develop critical social skills that are essential to maintaining strong relationships. As a Circle of Moms member who calls herself "Schmoopy" explains, “It’s part of a larger issue of manners."

Do you make your kids send thank you notes?

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

One of the most stressful parts of raising tweens and teens is the daily battle to get them to school on time. As Circle of Moms member Courtney J. laments, "My 13-year-old daughter misses the bus every day. Then she yells and throws fits about being late. I don't have a clue how to make her get on the bus and get to school on time.” And even if you do, you have to navigate a heaping helping of morning grouchiness. Molly M.'s 15-year-old son is so unbearable in the mornings that she has begun to dread them.

Here, Circle of Moms members offer 7 insights and tips that will help you get your sleepy child to her desk in time for the morning bell.

1. Use alarm clocks in unexpected ways

Getting your child out of bed and en route to school on time is especially challenging to moms of teens and tweens because when kids reach this stage, they are wired to sleep late. Yes, that's right: with all those growth-spurt-inducing hormones coursing through their veins, they need the extra zzzzz’s. As Circle of Moms Sabrina H. observes, “Those hormones demand sleep don’t they." But that unfortunately doesn't change the fact that kids need to get to school on time.

Sabrina suggests using more than one alarm clock, and placing them on opposite sides of the bedroom "so she has to get up" to deal with "the annoying buzz."

Sometimes, the trick to getting a tween or teen out of bed on time is exactly that, a trick. Lynda M. suggests "setting their clocks a half hour later." That way, by the time your child "realizes what you did" she will be further along in her routine.

2. Become a wake-up drill sergeant

The best — if not the most pleasant — way to get your child on the move is to become a wake up drill sergeant.  Aramanth D. and her daughters worked out a plan together, one that begins with setting the alarm to go off 30 early. Then, Amaranth goes in and calls them "15 minutes after the alarm goes off," followed by turning on their bedroom light after another ten minutes, and finally letting them know they only have five minutes left "to get out of bed and ready for the day."

Some moms resort to ruder awakenings: while Mandy E. thinks pulling off the covers is a little too much, she recommends removing the pillow from under your child's sleepy head, opening the blinds to let the sun shine in, and when that doesn't work, opening the window "to let the room chill for a minute."

Then there's Amanda R.'s suggestion: ringing some cow bells.

3. Insist your child take responsibility

Though some moms take the onus of responsibility for getting their kids to school on time onto themselves, others feel that it should be up to the tween or teen. “Let her figure it out,” says Barbilee H. "She is 13, she knows how to tell time. It is not your job to make sure she gets on the bus, let her know that. Yes, you are the parent and yes you can support her. But, if she misses it, make sure she makes other arrangements. Have her take responsibility. Teach her to be accountable now and she will thank you for it later."

One way to help kids learn responsibility is to establish rules that have real consequences. Jennifer L. suggests explaining to your child that if the procrastinating doesn't end, you will take away something she values, like her Facebook privilege, or her cell phone.

Both Alana L. and Linda C. believe that kids should be made to face the natural consequences of habitual lateness. Alana explains, "Since this is a habit, you should not help her out. When you come to her rescue, it reinforces the behavior. When she is late, she will have to answer to teachers and will have to make up the time at school. . . ." And Linda C. suggests the most obvious of natural consequences: insisting that your child walk to school when she misses the bus.

4. Collaborate on a new routine

Many Circle of Moms members feel that parents have to be careful not to enable their kids' poor behavior and habits. “I know this is going to be hard to learn, but you are in the enabling model now,” says Jude in reference to moms who make excuses for their habitually late tweens and teens. "Start with a list of rules printed out and posted in the hallway (poster sized and numbered) for your home and your expectations. Have a family meeting that explains these rules and the consequences, and then stick to them strongly."

Amaranth found the family meeting approach helpful Her 14- and 15-year-old daughters "find it very hard to get up in the mornings," so she sat down with them and worked out a plan, which included pinpointing "the latest they could get up" and still be ready for school on time.

Part of Circle of Moms member Molly M.'s plan with her 15-year-old son is an earlier bedtime. 

5. Prepare for school the night before

Amaranth suggests encouraging your kids to get as much of their morning routines done the night before. To battle morning lateness, her girls now "do things to make their mornings easier - for instance, they lay out their clothes (school uniforms required at their school) so that they don't have to search for anything in the morning, it's all there for them. They also shower or have a bath at night, that way they can just do a quick wash in the morning and be ready to go without having to factor in showering and drying hair.”

6. Get the school involved

Some Circle of Moms members say that sometimes moms need to reach out to the teachers and school administration to ask for help in reinforcing the rules and for help in getting their teens to school on time. “I had to bring it to the school's attention and ask for their help,” says Tara H. “They read her the riot act, and issued a suspension (one day) in hopes that it would get through to her. My daughter believed she was 'above' riding in a bus. Now she either rides her bus, or has another mom drive her."

7. Figure out what’s causing the stalling

If all else fails, it could be that here's a hidden reason for your child's stalling, and as Circle of Moms member Brenda B. points out, it's worth investigating. Kids who are being taunted by a bully, either on the school bus or at school, are likely to resist the morning rush to get to either place. “Ask her why she doesn’t want to ride the bus. Is [stalling or procrastinating] a habit in her life in other areas? . . .It will take some time the night before but it may make the mornings smoother."

How do you get your child to school on time?

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Guiding your daughter through her preteen and teenage years can be a confounding experience for a mom, especially when the "right" age for various milestones feels like a moving target. Among the milestones that Circle of Moms members report as surprisingly tricky to tackle is when to allow your daughter to start shaving her legs.

Here we've rounded up three important questions to consider when you're dealing with this issue, plus some suggestions on how to get your daughter started once you've decided that it's time.

1. What Age is Appropriate?

Is there a right age? Many Circle of Moms members share that their daughters began requesting to shave between the ages of 9 and 13, and most moms feel that this age range is a completely appropriate time for a girl to start shaving.

But several moms say that their daughters wanted to start shaving as early as five and six! As Dawn relays in the Moms of School-Aged Kids community, "Would you believe one of my daughters asked if she could shave when she was five!...I told her she needed to wait a few years and that little girls are supposed to be hairy. LOL." 

2. How Hairy Is She?

Another issue that comes into play is the color and amount of hair your daughter has. "I allowed both of my daughters to start when they were 9 because they have dark hair and were very self-conscious about it," shares Melissa E. Others agree, saying that they'd be comfortable introducing shaving at an early age if their daughter had dark or thick hair.

3. Is She Feeling Self-Conscious?

Moms agree that the most important factor of all, more important that your daughter's age or the visibility of her body hair, is her self-consciousness about it. If she's uncomfortable or is being teased in any way, let her start! As Teresa shares: "If she's uncomfortable with her leg hair... it's time, regardless of age. Just make sure she knows that if she starts... it's a lifetime commitment. ;)"

Teaching Your Daughter to Shave

  Circle of Moms members emphasize that moms should teach their daughters how to shave properly. Jennifer B. "really went over the "'how-to's'" with her daughter, "letting her watch me a couple of times...so that she wouldn't nick herself." Other moms recommend starting your daughter with an electric razor and letting them know that you're happy to answer any questions they have. As Brenda S. suggests: "Give your daughter the supplies she needs, a couple of lessons, and [make] yourself open for further questions."

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Taking the passenger seat to help your 15-year-old practice driving is one of the most anxiety-inducing moments in motherhood. But as Circle of Moms member Laura S. shares, it's second only to the scare you experience when your 16-year-old finally gets his driver's license and starts driving alone!

The good news, as many moms who've been through it share, is that this rite of passage is survivable. Here, their best tips for keeping your sanity as your teen gets behind the wheel.

1. Limit Passengers

Limiting passengers to immediate adult family members while your teen is learning to drive will help her maintain focus. In Utah, where Circle of Moms member Jennifer B. lives, kids are able to get a learner's permit at 15 1/2 but then have to take a driver's education course and drive at least 40 hours with a guardian before they can get a driver's license. Then, even after they have a license, they can't drive with anyone in the car except immediate family members until the age of 16 1/2. Jennifer says that this rule helped ease much of her worry.

2. Practice Makes Perfect